My computer is acting up again. Every now and then, I'll click on something and Up! pops the Blue Screen of Death and Crash! goes the computer. It's like a children's song, only even more annoying.

Today I took my mom to the pier in St. Joseph. Mom is terrified of water. She refused my offer to take her to Mackinac Island because she can't stand the thought of getting on a ferry. Imagine my surprise, then, when she willingly walked past the safety railings, down the sloped middle section and all the way out to the end of the pier.

We stopped along the way to admire some sailboats entering the river channel. It was a lovely sight.


I was concerned about her sticking her cane in one of the fishing pole holes or stumbling in the spots where the cement is crumbling, but she made it all the way to the end and, after a brief rest, all the way back to the beginning. I'm really quite proud of her; look how close she is to the water!

I’ve been blessed with opportunities to meet four wonderful xangans in the past few months. Last November I met EilisAngelos. She looks pretty much exactly how I pictured her except for her hair color (which she had recently changed). I had seen photos and videos of her online, so her lovely looks and voice were no surprise. She’s very much herself on her site (which she REALLY needs to update!!!), so her personality was pretty much what I expected.

The same holds true for TheTheologiansCafe whom I met in December, The44thHour whom I met last week, and, for the most part, seedsower whom I met last month. In each case, I had a pretty clear idea of my xanga friend’s looks and personality. Other than Andrew, I was familiar with their voices. I had heard Andrew sing, but was a little surprised by his lack of Texas drawl when he talks.

I, however, keep my face and voice under wraps on xanga. I think on speaking with each xangan for the first time, they commented that my voice was unexpected. I look different from what Andrew was expecting, but pretty much exactly what Beth had envisioned. I’m not sure how I measured up to Elisabeth and Dan’s preconceived ideas of me.

I develop my own personal mental image of what people on xanga look like based on their profile picture and the words they write. I imagine what their voice might sound like and look for clues to their personality in their posts. The biggest surprise I’ve had was seedsower. Because her photos are so filled with peace and serenity, I imagined Beth had a very quiet personality. She’s probably howling with laughter about now. I love that Beth is outgoing and fun and a little loud. She pulled me out of my shell and got me out doing things I would probably never have done on my own. At least not in public. We’re a good team, because I got her to do some stuff she’d never done, too. At least not recently.

I am never disappointed in how somebody looks. I place no real importance on weight, height, skin color, hair color, or any other physical trait. I have never yet been disappointed in the personality of my xanga friends. The ones I’ve met so far are either exactly how I imagined them to be, or even better. I wonder, though, if my looks have been a surprise - or even a disappointment - to others and if my quieter real-life personality is a letdown. I don’t pretend to be anything I’m not online, I just find it easier to talk to people using this medium than face to face, so I may come across as more outgoing than I really am. I have struggled all my life to overcome shyness, but once I feel comfortable with you, you may have a hard time shutting me up.  (Note to Dan: I was comfortable with you, but I was really tired.)

What has me thinking all these thoughts about looks, voices and personalities? The idea has been broached to make our next Third of July party a xanga meet. A few people have already expressed interest in attending. I’ve been wondering if I’m brave enough to allow multiple xangans at once to see what I look like and discover who I am. I worry that I will be a huge disappointment to everyone who may have preconceived ideas of how I look, sound and behave. I’m not fishing for compliments, but I guess I am looking for a bit of reassurance. It may seem silly to all you self-confident people, but I’m really feeling insecure about these things.

What I want to know is this: How attached are you to your imaginary image of me and how disappointed would you be to discover that I may not be like that at all?