January 16, 2012
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We Come In Peas
This post is not about peas, but it is about the possibility of alien produce in our grocery stores. How could I resist such a snappy (ha!) title? Hold on tight, you are about to enter the weird world of saintvi’s peculiar thought process.
It all started at the grocery store. I was buying seedless red grapes. Have you ever noticed how carelessly grapes are stuffed into those little, holey zipper baggies? They are always hanging halfway out and when you pick up one of the baggies to put in your cart, a shower of grapes rains down onto the floor. I always zip up the bag, but there are still loose grapes in the bottom of the grocery cart by the time I get to the cash register. I wondered why, considering how many grapes escape the bag and the mess they make on the floor, they are so carelessly packaged.
Later at home, I was making a tuna salad sandwich and half a head of lettuce that should have been in the refrigerator was missing. I searched for it, but there are not that many places a head of lettuce can hide in the refrigerator. I had a backup head of lettuce so I didn’t have a lettuce emergency. It was raining, so I was especially lucky.
I’m completely old school and un-chic; I like iceberg lettuce. I know it’s the in thing to use fancy greens these days, but I like the refreshing crunchiness of iceberg lettuce and the fact that it doesn’t stick to my teeth. What I don’t like is the packaging.
For those of you who have never had to open a plastic-wrapped head of iceberg lettuce, count your blessings. The lettuce is placed in a shallow plastic bag and the top is twisted tightly and taped down with about a yard of industrial strength plastic tape. I’m pretty sure they used the same tape to stick the heat shield tiles on the space shuttle. I don’t know how it’s possible that any of them ever fell off.
As I struggled (and failed) to cut through the tape without destroying the plastic bag, I wondered why iceberg lettuce is packaged so securely. It’s the cheapest salad green in the store, it never escapes like grapes, and all the other, more expensive fresh greens are just thrown naked into the produce bins with no wrapping at all, but iceberg lettuce is harder to get into than Fort Knox. What is the deal?
Could it be that grapes and spinach and cabbage pose no threat, but grocers are terrified of iceberg lettuce? It would explain why they wrap it tightly, tape it securely, price it cheaply to move it out of the store quickly, all while pushing the salad eating public to use “healthier” salad greens so they can discontinue stocking iceberg lettuce altogether. What are the grocers of America afraid of? WHAT ARE THEY NOT TELLING US???
“But saintvi,” you argue, “why would anyone be afraid of iceberg lettuce to the point of conspiring against the salad eating public?” I’m so glad you asked. After much cogitation, I’ve formulated the Alien Lettuce Theory. According to Alien Lettuce Theorists (of whom I am the only one and therefore the top expert in the field), heads of iceberg lettuce are only waiting for some grocer in rural Iowa to run out of space shuttle tape and get careless. All it will take is one escaped head and that is when the Great Alien Lettuce Invasion will begin.
I can see it unfolding in my mind like a bad science fiction movie: Giant killer heads of iceberg lettuce rolling through the cornfields of Iowa and Nebraska, leaving devastation in their wake. The herd of heads growing, multiplying as they swarm over grocery stores like a tidal wave, freeing their imprisoned brethren as they go. The chain stores will collapse quickly; Piggly Wiggly will be the first to go, followed by Winn Dixie, A&P, IGA, Safeway… Walmart will put up a good fight when they see the opportunity for a grocery monopoly, but in the end, they too will fall to the ravening hordes of killer lettuce. Soon, heads will be rolling down the streets of our major cities and human survivors will flee uphill and to the arid wastes of the Mojave Desert where everything wilts.
The only hope for survival of the human race will be infiltration. The Lettuce Underground will send volunteers cunningly disguised as giant heads of lettuce to join the alien invasion.
These brave vegetable warriors will roll off to war with Salad Shredders strapped to their chests, waiting for their chance to be a hero and go down in history as one of the revered Salad Martyrs. Those are the lucky ones. The unlucky ones will forget in the companionship around the campfire and ask for someone to pass the salad dressing.
It’s all there in my head, a vision of the future. Or maybe just a bad dream. But if it’s just a dream, WHERE IS MY MISSING HEAD OF LETTUCE?
I’ve seen blogs about a coming zombie apocalypse; that’s just silly. The real threat has been sitting silently in the produce section, watching the grapes, biding its time.
Comments (23)
Yes, these were my Actual Thoughts while putting grapes into my grocery cart. Be afraid.
yes.... we are all for "whirled peas".... and it just keeps getting better! lol
Very clever stuff! Thanks. Lettuce pray you are wrong. And of course when it comes to killer vegetables, one head is better than two.
I believe!!!!!! Now I am even more determined never to eat another leave of iceburg. I don't think I am going to sleep very well tonight. I wonder if Doug will put a lock on the refrigerator that is lettuce proof?
I would rec this, but don't see a way to do it. How did you manage the pictures? Maybe you should contact the VeggieTales people. They could arm the French peas to attack the evil head lettuces.
I think the fact that there was a picture of a giant lettuce attacking men in business is proof that your theory is correct.
consumer habits dictate the evil packagiong moreso than conspiracy theories
grapes never came bagged in the mid eighties unless you bought the 'expensive kind" grape sales did not skyrocket as even the simple step of bagging a bunch of grapes cost too many stores sales. most veggies recieve a bit of wax to improve shine- and bead water...like those fako sounds of thunder before the mist? you know it's a sham as the veggies are tarpped overnight otherwise. whats more attractive than a dropletted of the water on the pristine veg all shiny? sales improve. making sure one's packaging is theft or substitution proof is also important to veg sales-thus lettuce is from x company traceably protected some against?
- it's scientifically proven.
wisteria outbreak traced to colorado farm all canteloup destroyed improper sanitation. it happens but oh the other melon producers rejoiced! prices skyrocket on anything clearly not otherwise labeled. trust me- you are garnteed to buy more things in annoying packaging than ya think
George Carlin had that bit about empty plates in the refrigerator. "The food ate the other food!" Now, lettuce pray.
Umm...ecoli breakouts might having something to do with or keeping the general integrity of the ball in order to transport it long distance and in mass might be the cause...
Or that the grape industry is just a bunch a monkeys with a lot of time on their hands...
I have a suspicion that the grapes are really slaves to the lettuce and are attempting an escape prior to being forced to carry heads of lettuce westward.
what's really scary is that it makes total sense to me!
Well, there is the possibility that the alien lettuce will run into killer tomatoes and then streets will run red. Not to mention heads will roll. And almost inevitably, someone, somewhere will lead the people to the melee, armed with bacon & bread crying "Lettuce make haste..."
I heard ice berg lettuce caused global warming.
I'm pretty sure.
Hehehe! I think there's only one solution - eat more iceberg lettuce... I am opposed to all lettuce ingestion personally but I will man the salad shooter! hehe!
You have a wonderful extremely active imagination! ROFL
I'll have to check this out. I have a friend in the produce section. If his mind hasn't been taken over by the lettuce maybe he will tell me something about this invasion.
That this was what you thought... is what unnerves me. You have a unique mind...
LOL. Ah, the crazy thoughts that come to us while grocery shopping. Start out sane and just get weirder and weirder.
Peas on Erf, man, lol Alien Peas on Erf. I really love the way you think!!
I, too, prefer iceberg lettuce. I love the watery, satisfying crunch it gives as you bring it to death by eating. Those other lettuces just aren't as nice that way. I think I can buy iceberg lettuce outside of the open-proofing bag in the summer, so it may have something to do with it having to travel. So maybe they only try to invade us in the winter. The summer is too hot for real invasion work, but it's nice to have a holiday and hang out at the beach. Maybe the grapes are trying to look for their seeds.
@ata_grandma - The French Peas are awesome!
We are buying reusable bags as it will be illegal in WA state to use plastic bags for groceries feb 1. I have the same question about what are they going to do to cover the fruit and stuff with to eleiminate the plastic that way?
Yes. This is exactly how the world will end.
Time to break out the sharpies. We've got a lot of sandwich boards to make and pass out amongst the believers.
Thanks for the laugh! Incidentally, I am a huge advocate of whirled peas.
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