March 31, 2009

• Jenny Hates Me

  Sometimes when I am feeling stressed, I bake. Usually I bake cookies; chocolate chip cookies are my specialty. The past two weeks were pretty stressful. I was staying at my sister’s house in Fort Smith, Arkansas. When my sister is feeling stressed, she eats. Most of the time I was at my sister’s house, our mom was staying there, as well. When my mom is feeling stressed, she washes dishes. This would seem to be an ideally balanced arrangement. I bake, Big Sister eats, Mom washes up.

  The problem is that my sister has been on a Jenny Craig diet for about a year now. She’s made great progress.

  

  Yes, Valerie Bertinelli is my sister. Doesn’t she look great?

  Just kidding. Big Sister does look great, but she never wore a bikini when she was a teenager and we lived on the Gulf Coast, so don’t look for that to happen anytime soon now that she’s a grandma in the Ozarks.

  The first week I was in Arkansas, I made a pot roast dinner and, to ease the stress, baked some chocolate chip cookies.

  

  Just trying to pull my weight, so to speak. My sister refused to get on the scale when she went to her Jenny Craig meeting. The second week I was in Arkansas, still trying to be helpful, I made a meatloaf dinner and, for stress relief, a banana split cake.

  

  My sister again refused to get on the scale at her meeting. Her counselor was concerned. "What's going on?" she asked. My sister explained about the stress and the baking, the eating and the washing dishes. The caring, compassionate counselor responded with these words of encouragement:

  “Your sister needs to leave town.”

  

  Yes, folks, Jenny Craig told me to get the heck out of Dodge.

  .

  They’re just jealous.

  That was a damn good cake.

  (Just ask Big Sister.)

  • 5:26 pm
  • 49 Comments