April 3, 2009

• Conspiracy Theory

  Apparently, getting out of town wasn’t enough. As you may recall from this post, Jenny Craig ran me out of Fort Smith on a rail. They were unhappy that I was releasing stress by baking at my sister’s house and she was releasing stress by eating what I baked. They told my sister that I needed to leave town.

  So here I am nearly a thousand miles away in Michigan and once again I’m in trouble with Jenny Craig in Fort Smith, Arkansas. I swear I didn’t mail cookies to my sister. I didn’t leave cupcakes in her refrigerator. I didn’t hide candy bars in her underwear drawer (although now that I’ve thought of it, I can’t shake the idea. Next visit…) I slunk out of town like a beaten dog, head bowed in shame. All I did was send my sister a text message, asking her a question. How was I to know she was driving at the time and she would be upset at the question and there would be a BBQ joint right there, right then?

  I’m getting paranoid. I think maybe they’ve put a contract out on me, and not the kind they want me to sign. Perhaps they sabotaged the alarm system in my van so I can’t lock it anymore. Kirstie Alley may be hiding in my van right this minute, waiting to bludgeon me to death with a giant salami! Come to think of it, my GPS stopped working before I came home and the electronic compass in my van stopped working yesterday. Maybe they’re counting on me getting lost before Valerie Bertinelli strangles me with a string bikini, so it’s easier to dispose of the body.

  There’s also the slightest chance that my head is so fuzzy from congestion and I’m so high on bronchitis medication, I'm delusional.

  Nah, that can’t be it. They’re out to get me, I tell you. If my body is found with a string bikini wrapped around the neck and defensive salami wounds covering the arms, my sister and the evil organization that supports her are behind it.

  All because of a text message.

  Cell phones are the devil.

  • 5:23 pm
  • 32 Comments