There is no shortage of books, columns, blogs and unsolicited advice about the best way to raise your child. I’m adding to it. Just ignore everyone else and follow these tips to give your child a happier, healthier childhood and a well-adjusted adulthood.
1. Don’t give him a choice. 
Whether your child wants to try every activity under the sun, or would prefer to spend every spare moment playing games on the computer, choose two or three activities for him to exercise his body, mind and talents. It could be martial arts, dance, sports, scouting, music lessons, or whatever you think best suits your child. The hard part is making him stick with it. There will be times he loves it and times he hates it and wants to quit. Unless he’s being bullied or otherwise mistreated, don’t give in when he starts whining that all of his friends have quit, the activity is boring, or he’d rather do something else. This is usually just a phase that passes as soon as new friends are made or the next big event (tournament, campout, recital…) is on the horizon. Completing a full course of activity will bring a sense of accomplishment and pride and teach him the value of commitment.
2. Give her firm boundaries, and enforce them. 
It’s part of the paradox of childhood that children feel safer when they have boundaries, but they will continually test those boundaries. It’s important that there should be consequences for not being where she is supposed to be, both for her safety and your peace of mind. As she gets older, the boundaries will stretch and the punishment for venturing beyond them or, in the teen years, breaking curfew, should become more severe. From a toddler’s timeout to an adolescent’s grounding, to a teen’s loss of driving privileges, she will learn that challenging parental authority has consequences. This is preferable to having her learn that pushing too hard at boundaries can land her in a dangerous situation which she is not yet equipped to handle.
3. Allow her to take risks.
This may seem to contradict number 2, but if she is properly supervised, it is good for your child to take the occasional risk. Sometimes it will be as simple as taking the training wheels off her bicycle. In our case this activity was closely supervised and still ended with seven stitches in our daughter’s chin. It killed me to see her injured and bleeding and I’d love to be able to go back in time and stop the activity before she decided to do “just one more circle.” But accidents are part of an active childhood and can lead to a healthy determination to overcome obstacles and learn new skills. Let her take the risk of climbing the rock wall, riding without the training wheels, diving into the deep end. She may just find a healthy hobby for the rest of her life.
4. Let him blow his allowance. 
Yes, it’s nice to teach your child the value of money, but he won’t learn by never getting to spend any of it. Let him blow it all on comic books and bubblegum occasionally. If you try to control how he spends his allowance, you are still thinking of it as your money, and that’s not a lesson you want to teach your child. Let him have the fun of splurging once in a while and the happy childhood memories it brings will be worth more than that dime of savings account interest.
5. Allow him to fail. 
One of the biggest mistakes parents can make is “protecting” their child from failure. Whether it’s arguing with teachers over a grade, stepping in to finish a project, remaking their bed, fighting with coaches, or any of a myriad other actions I’ve seen over the years, removing obstacles and failures from a child’s life is going to handicap him. We learn life’s most important lessons from failing. We acquire goals and the determination to meet them by overcoming obstacles. By rescuing your child from every failure, you are preventing him from learning how to make good choices, teaching him to give up when life gets hard, and giving him the expectation that somebody will always swoop in and save him. In other words, by not allowing him to fail as a child, you are most likely condemning him to failure as an adult.
6. Feed her unhealthy foods. 
Balanced meals are important, but after a full day of sitting in class, playing hard and riding the bus, it’s cruel to expect your child to snack on carrot sticks and apple juice when she gets home. Nothing beats a couple of cookies and a glass of milk for an after school snack. A good parent will save the beaters with cookie dough still on them for her child to lick. A really good parent will make sure there are a few chocolate chips still stuck to the dough. And when the ice cream truck is in the neighborhood, give your kid a dollar and watch her face light up as she runs out the door. Do you remember standing in line in the street to buy a Fudgsicle or Eskimo Pie on a hot day? Did it EVER ruin your appetite? Healthy snacks have their place, but don’t let the Health Police ruin your kid’s childhood. Keeping the cookie jar full and teaching self-control will make your child healthier in the long run than any amount of carrot sticks and apple juice. And it doesn't even need to be said that it will make her happier.
Comments (28)
I love this post even more because of the last paragraph. Great post!
Can you still buy anything from an ice cream truck for a dollar?
Chin stitches are a rite of passage. My daughter Hannah fell out of a hammock onto the concrete floor. I think Elizabeth had stitches, but I can't remember why.
Excellent advice all!! :)
I disagree with number one.
I know people who were forced to take music lessons...and NEVER took to it. I believed in allowing my child to find her OWN interests. I was shocked when she took to writing...at five. I encouraged it, but carefully. I never wanted her to think that my approval hinged on her being like me.
Oh...and one other thing. I did get her swimming lessons...and even let her try gymnastics. She was horrible at both. Now i could have FORCED HER TO KEEP WITH IT... but would i have felt like a MORON when we found out five years later that she had dyspraxia...a condition that would have prevented her from ever being any kind of athlete. It has no symptoms that are obvious...beyond clumsiness. They call it the "hidden handicap", Now think about how many parents you know who put their kids in classes to get them OVER being clumsy? It would have been like sending a blind child to school to learn how to see.
Oh man, you're saving it for another post, aren't you?
I think this is great advice.
This is good advice. Esp #5, which I think my parents didn't always follow with me. Kids need to learn to deal with failure, even if it's a blow to your own ego. Otherwise, they will have a hard time as grownups.
The only thing I disagree with is the first one and it is only a mild disagreement. I think you should encourage children to try new things, but if it is clear that they are not enjoying it, they shouldn't be made to continue doing it. Trying new things and curiosity about the world are things that should be encouraged, but I don't think forcing children to do things they do not like will encourage that.
now I can get rid of all those other parenting books, I'm not good at enforcing boundaries - but I'm working on it.
@galadrial - @Erika_Steele - I'm not saying force a child to keep doing something he hates or is physically unsuited to do. That's why I said to choose activities that suit your child. But kids will always whine about not wanting to stick with things. My daughter went through a phase where she just didn't like changing into a leotard, but once she was in the studio and dancing, she loved it. When she wanted to quit piano lessons, I made a deal with her that she could quit when she reached a certain level of ability (which she was very close to at the time). She was just going through a difficult patch in her lessons and was frustrated. I let her take the summer off and she had reached the level we agreed on by the next spring. By then she was enjoying it again and no longer wanted to quit. She went on to earn two degrees in music. In both cases, I knew my child well enough to realize what was going on and help her work through problems and set achievable goals to overcome challenges instead of letting her quit the first time she got frustrated.
Will you be my mom in my next life pleeezzz!
Excellent post!!
@saintvi - Oh. Okay. I get it now. I guess I read it the wrong way because I know way too many people who force their kids to do things for the "status".
@saintvi - Given.
but when Desi was five, I had no idea she had a handicap...and neither did her doctors. It was five years later before we had a clue...and that only after she had extensive neurological and genetic testing. At the time, I worried that i should have pushed her more...now I am grateful I did not. She has enough worries about "not making the cut" in other ways.
I think these are great bits of wisdom!
I want the beaters but pick off the chocolate chips first.
good advice, indeed. let kids be kids
As a young boy I don't remember the boundaries. I suppose this advice was mainly for your daughter?
On money, I was not restricted from jobs that earned pocket money, and I suppose I didn't get an allowance that makes me not expecting a handout.
I wonder should I complain about never being praised? I guess having your nose on the grindstone is a given also for everyone?
AWESOME POST!!
I'm almost 20 years old and my mom still lets me lick the beaters whenever we make a cake together :) This is a great post
And you are how old? lol Sounds like good old fashioned advice to me.
I am going to have to disagree with you. Not because you are wrong, but only because I am feeling a bit disagreeable today.
Good advice. Seems like a solid recipe for a healthy child.
My parents started me on piano when I was three and a half. About seven years in, I told them I hated it and wanted to quit. The fix? Changed teachers. So glad my parents didn't let me quit. It totally paid off. I love piano and I love being able to play music.