March 14, 2017

  • An Introspection

    I’ve always been jealous of people who are born with a gift and the drive and resources to pursue it; people who have known their purpose in life from their first breath. I’m pretty sure most people are more like me. I’ve found passions over the years. In my youth, I wanted to be a concert pianist. I began taking piano lessons at the age of four and continued through high school. It was somewhere in those high school years that I began to realize my small hands would never be able to play works by many of the great male composers who apparently had hands the size of skillets. Rachmaninoff, Debussy, Chopin… I could play some Chopin and those were mostly my favorite pieces to play, but it was a sad day when I realized I could never play his Grand Polonaise for my dad. I think he bought the music for me when I was still in elementary school, in anticipation of the day he could listen to a live performance of his favorite piece of music in his own living room.

    Once that dream died, I didn’t know what to do with my life. I followed the path of so many women of my era; graduate from high school, get a minimum wage job, meet Mr. Right, get married, become a mom, a room mother, a Girl Scout leader, a Sunday School teacher, pick up a few part time jobs over the years, and never have the energy to think that there might be a purpose beyond being a wife and keeping a little person who seemed determined to die spectacularly alive to adulthood.

    So, here I sit, mission accomplished, staring at the number 60 on the far horizon and getting closer, and no skills or ambitions driving me to a greater purpose. Just getting up and facing day after pointless day and wishing I was better at being me.

    butterfly

    I never became a butterfly.

    I’ve spent my life feeling like a lowly caterpillar,

    Or, on a good day, retreating into my cocoon.

    I wish I could grow my wings

    And fly.

     

    This introspection was brought on by the Winter Scavenger Hunt prompt #16 – Include the life cycle of an insect.

     

Comments (4)

  • I'm staring at the number 80 on the near horizon and some days feel that way. Other times I realize that I can still pray for and help my kids and their families, and I bake a delicious pound cake. You have a loving daughter and husband, good friends, and you make the best cherry jam!

  • Gah!! Your days are not pointless! This introspection scares me - I hope you realize that you have value. We are not defined by our careers. That is a mistake far too many people make!! It is all the mundane things in life that add up. It is the number of meals prepared with love, the folded laundry, the homemade dog treats, the connections to people and the kindnesses shared that define and give purpose to life. If I were to tally it up I'm certain you are way ahead of me!!!

  • You are perfect at being you! Each day brings new projects and challenges, and you have earned the right to play as you want to now!

  • Yes, I agree with slmret. Don't like this getting old part and sometimes get very sad, then I determine to seize the days! God bless.

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